My meditation was interrupted again. Two circles appeared from the void, side by side. They drew closer to me, and I could see white light with shifting shadows from within them. They enlarged, becoming my entire field of view. The image in each was blurry, seemingly identical, and shifted slightly off from each other. The twin sights merged into a single image, and the shadows gained depth.
Then it sharpened, and I could see a white laboratory. The man who recruited me was standing with several strangers, all in scrubs. He was older, his hair had begun to gray. My vision sharpened further, too far. Edges were too well-defined, I could see every miniscule pore and wrinkle on his face, the individual hairs, a dead skin cell floated off his cheek and sailed through the air. So much information at once. The detail adjusted again, but this time slightly back, to a somewhat normal level.
The rest of the lab contained an array of desks, monitors, and scientific instruments I didn’t know the purpose for. And then a brain, floating in a tank, with various wires and tubes dotting it like a pincushion.
One of the strangers pointed at his screen, where a picture of a brain was lighting up, a red glow shifting from one part to the next. They all nodded very seriously, and the man turned back to me, or at least, where I was seeing from.
A low whine began, which turned into indistinct voices, growing slowly clearer.
“baseline sound test 1, brain activity shows positive for auditory stimulation at levels within the normal range”
They then showed me a picture of an apple, and said the word apple. They pointed out how my brain lit up and discussed the measurements they recorded. Then they did the same with a dog, and murmured about the results, then a tree and so on. This went on for several hours before they disconnected my audio and video feeds and I returned to my void to sleep.
They brought me back on the next day and continued the process, and then the next day and the next after again. After a few weeks of this they were finally sated.
Having this reconnection to the physical world, I debated if I should regain some sense of wanting. But I still had no agency, no ability to act. Same as in my dreams, as in my void, I could only experience what I was subjected to. The only thing I could control were my thoughts and feelings. So I would choose to retain my peace.
It seemed like I drifted a while again before they brought me back. Time was so hard to keep track of. None of the monitors in the lab ever showed the date either.
They had a speaker set up on a table right in front of where I saw from. The man asked me to try to speak. I could feel a new connection, waiting to receive my sound. It had been so long since I attempted to talk. I tried, and the speaker crackled a bit, but I couldn’t get my voice through.
I hummed and tried to feel the connection better, ascertain what the speaker wanted from me. Some of the humming did make it through the speaker, though it sounded distorted, robotic. It felt like it wanted to pull the sound through the top of my chest, not my mouth. I focused on the word and tried to push it from my lungs.
The speaker made a moaning sound at first, not unlike a whale’s call. Then I got a soft hissing sound out.
“hhhhhh…hhhhheeeeee….hellllllloooooooo…heelloo….hello hello.”
They began to clap, a few of them hugged each other. The man asked if I knew who he was, and I told him I remembered. I still didn’t sound quite like myself. It was deeper, while also having this high pitched whine at the same time.
“How long?” I asked. “Since I came here.”
He looked a bit uncomfortable. He hesitated, but he did answer. “six years.”
Six years. My daughter would be 10. The world suddenly felt a bit more real. I could talk, I could see, I could hear. Perhaps I could be with my daughter again. But I was unsure if I would even want to subject her to what I now was. She probably barely remembered me.
They spent many days talking to me, curious about what my experience had been, recording everything I said. I explained everything, the torture, the dreams, the woman, the calm. It felt good to talk again. I felt like a person again.
They were surprised I seemed so sane. Eventually they admitted they thought I would be unusable after a certain point, that they would use my results as progress to try again with someone new. Apparently I wasn’t even the first. They showed me videos of several other brains, that seemed to convulse before all brain activity simply stopped when they tried to simulate senses to it.
Before me, they hadn’t known how much electrical signal to send to translate to an appropriate feeling. I was the only one that survived long enough to tune into the ideal level. At the beginning they would drug me to sleep when I was getting overloaded. At one point, when that stopped working, they gave me a cocktail of psychedelics to reset my brain chemistry. After that they didn’t need to drug me the same way again. They told me to feel proud of the technological and medical breakthroughs I was now part of.
Now that they had mapped my brain connections, knew how to stimulate and provide input, read output; we were squarely in the second phase.
I felt myself reconnect to the speaker, heard the voices trickle in, but they didn’t give me sight. Then an image started to form in my void. An apple. It was wrong. The wrong shade, the edges were blurry. It was 2 dimensional, but looked like it was trying to gain depth. The man asked me to describe it. The apple’s shade deepened in red until I told them it looked better. Back and forth I gave them feedback and they adjusted the image. Three days of this until finally the apple floated before me, all three dimensions in full strength, looking so incredibly real.
Then they replaced it with a dog, but again it was off. Again we worked to get the details corrected. That went a little slower than the first time, there were more details to get right, and then we spent more time as they animated the dog, made his tail wag, had it bark and jump.
We spent months on this, but they got quicker with each object as we continued. We would take breaks sometimes, and the researchers would talk to me.
Sometimes the man would stay late and we would have long conversations. During one of these I asked if he would show me my wife and daughter. He refused, said he couldn’t show me anything he wasn’t approved to show me, that for now I needed to focus on the work.
We moved into having me control various robotics. Simple tasks at first. I wiggled a metal finger, bent the joint on a limb. It was hard for me to tell when to stop a motion and I would over-rotate. They figured out how to give me feedback from the machines and I improved. It was strange, seeing the hand I was controlling far in front of me. It felt like a part of me, but it was still so easy to identify where I was as where I was seeing from. In reality I was in the tank in the back of the room.
They used the data to develop my void and senses. I appeared in a room, a table before me, and underneath me…a body. I closed and opened the hand, brought it up to my face. I could feel. It wasn’t quite like being a person again. I couldn’t quite feel my skin, it was more of just being able to tell I had made contact with another object. It didn’t feel like being in a body again, there was no thump of the heart, no breathing. But I moved the leg forward and it listened.
I walked up to the table, and a cup appeared upon it. A brown liquid sleeping inside. I picked it up, took a sip. Coffee. I couldn’t swirl it around in my mouth, didn’t feel it trickle down my throat. But the taste was there, the sense of warmth, and I could feel the dopamine rush from the caffeine.
They explained in my ear how they were sending specific electrical signals to simulate the experience. They gave me a basketball, had me bounce it and throw it in a hoop. I did a simple obstacle course, even tripping a few times as I mastered my new limbs. Over time they were able to add more detail, make the sensations more specific. They made me a steak dinner and I could feel the texture of the meat, the juiciness as I bit into it, the way the fat melted in my mouth.
I had another night talking to the man. He was explaining all the ways our research could be used. Extending human life, advanced prosthetics, fully immersed VR. I interrupted him, asking again to see a picture of my wife and daughter. Again he refused.
So I told him I was done talking to them until he did it. He turned my video feed off to him and I came back to my void, which now was like a small apartment I could walk around in. I assumed he was going to leave for the night, but a screen popped up in front of me. A browser window, floating in the middle of the room. It went to a social media site I didn’t recognize, a new one from when I had left the world.
My wife had pictures up, with our little girl, and the guy from her work, now her husband. They had moved to Philadelphia a few years ago. Our daughter was so much bigger. She was in softball, and into Legos. She looked happy. He scrolled through for a bit, and I saw her grow up, albeit in reverse.
I asked if I’d be able to talk to them again. He was quiet for a moment, then said he would do everything he could so that I could see my family again, even give my daughter a hug.
The work continued. The researchers connected me into a full-size robot. They had transferred my brain into a new tank, one they could move, and I was able to control the robot from a cable that connected them. The first time I was brought outside the lab I was in a large white room. Empty except for me, my robot body, and the researchers.
They had me try to walk. It felt surprisingly natural from the start. I could feel the pressure as my foot connected to the ground. They asked me to jump. My body had more power than I expected, and I went six or so feet in the air. I over-reacted as I came back down, missing my feet and landing on my back. But there was no pain, and the body was fine. I was able to stand myself back up without issue.
That day was mostly practicing basic movements, but we soon moved into more complex motions. They had me try to bowl, swing a golf club, ride a skateboard. I had to be very precise about how much strength I used. The first bowling ball they gave me wound up shattered next to a dent in the concrete wall, mere feet from my tank.
They kept running me through obstacle courses, timing me each time. I put together a puzzle, painted, shuffled cards. I even danced, which I was never very good at, but I actually felt more natural at in my new body.
I stopped seeing the man around. I asked about him. They said he took over another project, never told me anything more. A new man replaced him after a couple weeks. The new man was stern, serious. I never saw him smile. He cared much more about what I could accomplish in training.
They gave me a gun. It was a paintball one, but it looked real, like an assault rifle. I had never liked guns, they made me uncomfortable. Targets were set up across the room. The new man wanted me to shoot, test my accuracy. I figured it was just another test, might as well.
I finished the first set. The new man snarled, said it was dreadful. A few people walked up and started instructing me on how to do better. I hadn’t seen them before, but they all had a similar vibe, military. I ignored them and asked the new man why I was doing this. He simply said to do as I was told.
I handed the gun to one of the new ones. I said I wouldn’t do this. The new man pulled out some sort of remote and pressed a button. I collapsed to the ground, intense pain flooding me. It only lasted a few seconds.
“You will do as you’re told.” He repeated. I sat up, resting my arms on my knees, relaxed. Not that I needed to rest them. I told him no. He did it again, longer. I kept refusing, and he kept increasing the time. But I had already suffered. There was nothing he could do to me.
Finally they disconnected me from the robot, and I was in my apartment. I made some tea, warmed up a pastry. I enjoyed that I could do the ritual of preparing something, even if it wasn’t necessary here. I was about to take a sip when everything started to dematerialize. My body left me here as well, and I was back to floating in the void.
He was trying to figure out how to break me, taking away the creature comforts I had been given. I drifted for a while, slept at some point. He was in my ear when I awoke, asking if I was ready to comply. I didn’t answer, he wasn’t worth it. He started to torture me. I was electrocuted, burnt, frozen. He gave me a body again just to break it, rip it apart. After each round he asked if I was ready, and each time I stayed silent.
This went on for a few days I think, they didn’t let me sleep. I found myself back in my robot body. A different man was there, sitting at a table, an empty chair across from him, my brain at his side. He motioned for me to sit, and I sat. He explained that the new man worked for him, and he had heard we were having a disagreement.
I said that I had no desire to fight, or do whatever it was that they were trying to use me for. He sighed. “Son, do you realize what an opportunity we have here. Imagine a soldier, who doesn’t need to eat, or breathe, or even shit. One who’s bulletproof, can’t feel pain, and ten times stronger than a normal man.”
I reminded him that I’ve felt plenty of pain, and I didn’t sign up to be a weapon. He went on about how millions of dollars have been spent to keep me alive, to allow me to walk and feel again. The labcoats had their fun and got their data, but now it was time to make me useful.
All of his arguments went nowhere. Eventually he bowed his head into his hands and sighed. “I didn’t want to do it this way. You don’t care about yourself, you don’t care about your country. But I know what you do care about.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a picture. My wife and daughter. “It wouldn’t be that hard for them to have a little accident now would it?”
I couldn’t believe he would threaten my family. “You wouldn’t. What leverage would you have against me afterwards?”
“Well we don’t have to kill them do we. Maybe Mom gets in an accident. Daughter gets slipped some toxin that takes away her eyesight. We can always escalate from there.” He said it all so evenly, just matter of fact what would happen. I almost crushed his throat right then, but they had disabled my limbs. He stood up and grabbed the cable running from my tank to the robot “You’ll resume training tomorrow, I won’t hesitate to prove my point if you give us any trouble from here on out.” He pulled the cable.
I jerked back into my void. Even with all I’ve experienced that was weirdly jarring. It was like someone took scissors to the nerves leading to my senses and snipped. My apartment materialized and the different man’s voice echoed from above, weirdly sing-songy. “Get a good night’s sleep, I want you at your best tomorrow.”
I dreamed that night of my wife and daughter being kidnapped by strange men, tortured. The fear in my daughter’s eyes, not knowing why this was happening to her. I woke up breathing heavy, crying. The first time I had cried in a while. If I had any power in the world, I would make sure she never felt anything near what I have.
I was back in the training room, but the room seemed off, and I was alone. I looked around, the door was gone. I looked down and I was in my virtual human body, not the robot. It was a simulation. The new man’s voice came on. “Thought it would be more efficient to train your aim in here first. I trust you’re singing a different tune now but not enough to give you a live weapon.”
A rifle appeared in my hands, and targets popped up on the far side of the room. I sighed, and brought the butt up to my shoulder and fired several times. None of them were good, but it felt the same as shooting in the real room. They gave me instruction on what I was doing wrong and had me do another set. Slightly better. More instructions, more sets. I improved quickly as I got used to it. I thought about dragging my feet, but didn’t know how trigger-happy they were on realizing their threat.
We swapped between different weapons, moving targets, hand to hand combat. They put AIs in to fight back and moved into live combat scenarios. A very realistic video game that was going to have real-world consequences eventually.
This went on for weeks, 16-hour days. As soon as I woke up we were right back into it. At one point I joked I should at least get a morning coffee and the new man immediately said, “You will do what I say when I say it and nothing else, understood?”
What an asshole. I wondered if they could tell what I was thinking at all, it hadn’t seemed like they could get that specific from when I was testing with the scientists. I concentrated really hard on imagining flipping him off just in case. No response. “Understood.”
Eventually they put me back in my robot body. There was a pistol in front of me on a table, and the new man and his goons were behind a glass barrier, bulletproof I assumed. They didn’t trust me yet. I eyed the pistol, should I test the glass? Not worth the risk. What about the tank? Put the experiment to end for good. I looked behind me, but it wasn’t there, there were no wires coming out of me.
“Connected you wirelessly, not taking any chances. It won’t be practical once you’re in the field anyways.” I went to pick up the gun, but I was sluggish. I probably looked like a drunk guy trying to pick up his keys.
One of the lackeys went to work on his keyboard, “bit of an input delay, switching communication protocol.” Whatever he did I started being able to move as normal. I picked up the pistol, 15-round cartridge, one of the same models they simulated for me. I pointed it at the target, it felt exactly the same as in the training. I fired through all the rounds. Just a few were off-target, and only slightly. The team gave some subdued claps. The new man kept his arms crossed, but gave the slightest smile.
The training continued for several months. Most of it was still in the simulator, but they pulled me out for specific tests. How fast could I run in the robot body, how much could I lift, how high could I jump. They’d make adjustments, replace parts, see how much they could push those numbers.
They added night vision and infrared, radar and lidar. It was overwhelming processing 360 degrees of input, but as I acclimated it became more of a 6th sense instead of constantly seeing in all directions. They installed retractable knives, missiles, smoke generators, heavier armor, more energy dense batteries. Made me into their little discount Iron Man.
I was a perfect student. Never hinted a threat or talked back. I wanted them to think they had tamed me, although maybe they had. I told myself there would be a window, where the new man and the different man would be vulnerable at the same time. Maybe if I killed them both no one else would have the drive to make me a soldier, or follow through on their threats.
Zach Kohls 
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